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Us by ~develindiskies:icondevelindiskies:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Family Life > Open


One.

You are comfort.
You are memories,
And tears.

Two.

She is ideal.
She is honesty,
And trust.

Three.

I am imperfect.
I am phobias,
And moods.


Four.

I am.
You are.
She is.
We are.
©2009 ~develindiskies
:icondevelindiskies:

Author's Comments

I'm trying here.

[i haven't written in so long. it's scratchy and awkward, but i'm trying.]

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:icontavenlee:
~Tavenlee Sep 18, 2009, 8:35:11 PM
Mmm, it has an elegant sort of simplicity to it. In my opinion, it's always hard to give a decent critique on poems, simply because there's so many different styles, and usually they have a more personal element then other writing or art.

I would say that for a more continious feel, you should change "I am imperfections" to "I am imperfect" because it better matches up with it's counter part "She is ideal." (The tenses match better.)

If you think your current style/method is scrathy/awkward, I'd advise writing and trying out a few different versions of poems all depicting the same topic; you'll get a better sense of what style suits you best.

--Taven
:icondevelindiskies:
~develindiskies Sep 18, 2009, 8:38:16 PM
Thank you very much!
I'll change that out right now. :)

--
Sometimes in order to help yourself, you need to help someone else.
:icontavenlee:
~Tavenlee Sep 18, 2009, 8:41:19 PM
Wow, fast response. Awesome. :D

--Taven
:iconhelzcullen:
~HelzCullen Sep 23, 2009, 8:51:52 AM
I love how you've divided this up so simply. I think it really works here. :)

--
listlessheartssignhere.

♥?
:iconwildfire222:
~Wildfire222 Sep 23, 2009, 2:56:42 PM
Very simple. Very wonderful.

--
Dr. Wilson - "House?"
House - "How many other friends do you have in the asylum?"

:F
:icondevelindiskies:
~develindiskies Sep 23, 2009, 6:02:56 PM
Aww, thank you so much Helen. (Am i correct in one l?)

--
Sometimes in order to help yourself, you need to help someone else.
:icondevelindiskies:
~develindiskies Sep 23, 2009, 6:03:50 PM
I like the song one best out of this trio, but thank you for the compliment.

--
Sometimes in order to help yourself, you need to help someone else.
:iconhelzcullen:
~HelzCullen Sep 24, 2009, 11:59:10 AM
VERY CORRECT!
Two 'l's isn't a name at all D: it frustrates me.

You never told me what your name is! o:

And you're completely welcome. :)

--
listlessheartssignhere.

♥?
:icondevelindiskies:
~develindiskies Sep 24, 2009, 12:02:30 PM
I knew that piece of imformation from somewhere... I can't remember where though. :P

Jenny is fine. :)

--
Sometimes in order to help yourself, you need to help someone else.
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